Two years ago I thought I was losing my mind. I had diagnosed myself with schizophrenia and thought I’d spend the rest of my life in a psych ward.
The voices in my head where hard to ignore. Having a Bachelors in Science and having focused most of my upper level studies in scientific evidence and testable science, I thought I was crazy. There was no rational explanation why I heard these voices.
For months since this began, I didn’t bother to talk back to the voices. I felt like a spectator in my own head. It was during this time that I thought I was seriously mentally and physically ill. I had developed terrible anxiety and other phantom illnesses that Western medicine could not prove. All of the lab test results were inconclusive and I could not get any concrete results.
At the time I didn’t understand the changes that were happening to every aspect of my being. You see, it wasn’t just the voices in my head, but also the feelings or emotions that I felt from places and people as well as animals and nature. My hands had become very sensitive to touch, and I could feel a strange throbbing force sometimes coming from them. I couldn’t understand why my ears would ring, and why when they would ring I could hear faint music or indistinguishable voices. Similar to being in a public place and hearing people carrying a conversation but not making out what they are saying. I started feeling more throbbing around my body, and that’s when I started seeing different doctors.
Not only did I feel like I was losing my mind but I was convincing myself that I was seriously physically and mentally ill. I became depressed, and began seeing a psychotherapist after my primary doctor suggested I may be experiencing late post partum because of my anxiety symptoms.
Twice a week for two months I met with the psychotherapist and discussed my feelings and thoughts. Never did I mention to her about the voices I kept hearing because I knew the diagnosis she’d give. When I entered her office I immediately felt alot of sadness and anxiety which made me an emotional mess. That office set off my fight or flight response, and each time I went for a session, my anxiety was worse. After attempting psychotherapy for a long while, I stopped going. My body would react so strangely when I was in that office, and it was so uncomfortable. When I sat in the therapist’s office, I remember feeling my body throbbing, like I was pulsating electricity throughout my body. I could not understand the overwhelming fears and frustrations I felt by just being in that space. I could not perceive what was going on with me, and at that point I felt like I hit rock bottom.
One day as I broke down with overwhelming fear and frustration because none of my experiences made logical sense to me, I fell to the floor crying and begged GOD for help. I felt like a failure and a mental mess. All of the doctors I had seen had no idea what was wrong with me. I had done multiple blood and genetic tests and even attempted psychotherapy, but the only diagnosis I kept getting was possible late post partum anxiety.
As I cried on my bedroom floor, and prayed to GOD for help, I heard “get up, theres nothing wrong with you,” confused and startled, I stop crying for a bit and ask “well what am I supposed to do,” and the voice says “get to know me.”